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·R O U N D . H E R E·
Last year I enrolled in a drawing class. When I told a lovely customer about this he laughed and asked why – you can already draw. But it was through my local TAFE and I thought it was only a day or two, I love to draw, I love to learn new things and I was feeling a little stagnate.
Little did I realise what a journey of self discovery I was about to embark on.
You see the drawing class, was actually a full on TAFE course – ten weeks of classes, with an official certificate at the end if you completed the course work. Not only were there drawing exercises (which I loved) but there was also written work, that seemed to be worded in a way that only a literary scholar would understand what the damn question was actually asking!
But that wasn’t the self discovery part – I am dyslexic so struggling with written work isn’t new to me – I have lots of strategies that help me when I am doing written work and all the ‘stuff’ that brings up!
Nope it wasn’t that little nugget of good times!
On the morning of the second week I felt sick and anxious as I drove through the gates of TAFE.
All day in class I was on edge. I was defensive. I was cranky AF. I felt I was being judged as an artist (Hello of course I was – because the course required the lecturer to judge my work) and I felt raw and I wanted to cry.
I struggled to complete what usually would be an easy task for me. Draw what’s in front of me? Not a problem. I draw all the time, I often draw what is in front of me, and I don’t have a problem if my drawing isn’t perfectly proportionate. (I have done a LOT of work on these issues believe me!)
Ever since I had a panic attack in the supermarket during lockdown, I have been working really hard on actually identifying what my body is trying to tell me in moments like this. And it was definitely telling me something.
And what it was telling me (after an amazing journalling session) was that that morning as I drove through the gates, I was flooded with a massive amount of imposter syndrome, with a little bit of self worth, self doubt and a dose of childhood art related scars that I thought I had healed.
Imposter syndrome happens when you doubt your skills, your accomplishments or your talents. It can be debilitating and I know there have been times in my past when it has been so overwhelming I have given up on something, didn’t even attempt it or just let it drift away half finished.
I decided to share this story with you today because after I posted something on my socials this week about being limitless and working through the never ending feelings of doubt, worth and fraud a lot of people reached out and let me know that the post really resonated with them.
I know that when I share my feelings, my failures and celebrate my successes it helps me work through those feelings of being a fraud inside, but also knowing I wasn’t alone and other people felt that way made me feel not so alone.
That drawing class dropped from 25 people to just six in the end and I wonder how many of those people also suffered with feelings of fraud, not good enough or just plain self doubt.
And what I learnt during those ten weeks, was not only new drawing techniques and new ideas I am going to play with, but I also learnt to I listen to my body and work through my feelings rather than falling into the habitual imposter syndrome self-sabotage cycle that I favour!
I hope from sharing my experience, that if you struggle with imposter syndrome or self-sabotage you are not alone.
From my whimsy world to yours.
